If something in your interpersonal interactions with others
at work, at home, at church or in a social setting doesn’t do it, just take a
look at the daily news headlines. We live
in an era characterized by secular relativism, under which religious freedom is
under siege, respect for life is taking a back seat to the “right” of
individuals to kill their babies, and Christians who stand up for their religious
beliefs are branded as bigots. In
connection with all of this, civility and respectful discourse have gone the
way of the screen door and the Ford Falcon.
The evil one is constantly stirring things up, looking for ways to put
distance between us and God and between us and our neighbor. What happens far too often is the creation of
an “us versus them,” environment, complete with name calling and other
destructive behaviors.
Social scientists tell us that, once we’ve devolved into an “us
versus them” scenario, it’s all too easy to further exacerbate conditions and make things worse. We may hear that
someone from the other group spoke uncharitably about us. When we’re busy drawing a line in the sand
and taking sides, it’s all too easy to assume that this person, if they
actually said whatever it was, really represents the position of the other
group. And that probably is not the
case. In any group, you will have
outliers—it doesn’t mean that the whole bunch of them is aligned with the outlier's thinking. But once we attribute this
person’s thinking to the group, they’ve been tarred and feathered with it, and
we go on to additional dysfunctional behaviors.
Let’s look at another dysfunctional behavior: attempted mind
reading. We’ll attempt to ascribe intent
to the other party’s actions—“They just did this because they wanted to [fill
in the blank] us.” The problem I find
in my work with people and groups in conflict is that, contrary to strong popular
opinion among the conflicted, none of us actually can read minds. To assume and infer intent or motives from
someone’s actions without really sitting down, face to face and having a
dialogue with them, will compound any existing dysfunction.
But, as the guy in the knife commercial on television says, “Wait! There’s more!” Once we’ve set up our camp and they’ve set up
their camp, it will continue to get worse.
We watch them and look for behaviors on their part that just continue to
“prove” our opinion of them as low-down, good for nothing, no-good-nicks. And of course, to keep the game even, they’ll
do the same on their side. “You
see? I told you they can’t be
trusted. This just proves my point!” And it
goes on and on, creating an inordinate amount of negative energy, drawing all
sides into sinful behaviors and giving the evil one just what he wanted.
What can we do about this??? For one thing, it doesn’t hurt to get some
outside, facilitative support to help re-open the lines of communication,
work through the difficult issues and get everyone back on the path toward
trust and charity toward our neighbors. But that’s a topic for another discussion.
In any event, to
begin with, we need to take responsibility for our own actions. The old
saw that, "It takes two to tango," has some truth to it.
Recognize that each of us probably has some culpability in most
disagreements, own up to it, apologize if that's the case, and move on to
positive discussions. But in addition to this, from a spiritual
perspective, pay attention to St. Paul’s suggestion:
Phil 4: 4-8
4 Rejoice in the
Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5Let all men know your
forbearance. The Lord is at hand. 6Have no anxiety about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your
requests be made known to God. 7And the peace of God, which passes
all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally,
brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever
is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence,
if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
The Ignatius
Catholic Study Bible New Testament, RSV
Or, take some advice from a Spanish bishop from the 16th
century (and as we read it, can we help but think that this guy is actually a
contemporary of ours, from this generation, day and age?):
“Experience shows us that peace,
which sows charity, the love of God, and love of neighbor in your soul, is the
road that leads straight to eternal life.
Take care to never let your heart
be troubled, saddened, agitated, or involved in that which can cause it to lose
its peace…That which [the Lord] wants of you is that, whenever you are
troubled, you would recover your calm, your peace…in all activities without
exception.
Just as a city is not built in a
day, do not think that you can achieve, in a day, this peace, this interior
calm, because it is within you that a home must be built for God, while you
yourself become his temple. And it is
the Lord himself who must handle the construction. Without him your work would not exist.”
Bishop Juan
de Bonilla, as quoted in Magnificat
What tangible steps can we take to grow our faith and our peace? St. Paul and Bishop Juan de Bonilla have
given us some good advice. To boil it
down might we need to PRAY? Pray for the grace to…
·
Understand God’s will and to follow it obediently
·
Learn what He’s trying to teach us
·
Overcome our habitual sins and bad habits
·
Be more patient and understanding with everyone
·
Communicate more effectively with our brothers
and sisters
·
Bring others closer to Him
"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have
only today. Let us begin."
Blessed
Teresa of Calcutta
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